Chicken Liver Empath (Part II)

Playing secret Santa with other people’s emotions had begun to take a toll physically.  In the past, I felt like it was my job to take other people’s baggage and pile it on my back.  Why’d I feel like an emotional garbage dump?  At the time, I didn’t know.  I have always had an awesome way of finding the good in everyone and most everything’s space.  I could find ways to love everyone for something.  I genuinely care about other people’s feelings; I’ve always wanted to help people in some way, I’ve always wanted the best for everyone.  On the negative side of things, the fact that others did not care about me in those same ways was hurtful.  I tried to get angry, but I couldn’t – not for long – because I knew that I was the one playing secret Santa.  The majority had no idea what I was doing behind the curtain.

I did not love myself to the degree that I loved everyone else (/strange).  Some say you cannot love anyone until you love yourself, but I did.  I loved everyone in a Spiritual sense.  Feeling other people’s pain in such a deep sense drew me closer; hurting anyone would be the same as hurting myself.  Loving everybody so much is what zapped my self-esteem even lower.  That is what started eating at my physical health – giving, and giving, and giving in a Spiritual sense and receiving nothing (or nothing much) in return.  I did it to myself.  I compared myself to others.  Others compared me to others.  I knew I was different; comparing myself to others stressed those differences; stressed the ‘there’s something wrong with me’ thoughts.  I spent all of my energy romanticizing everyone else, trying to deflect attention from my flaws.  Wishing I was more like her, him, it who/whatever; worrying more and more about things I could not control.

Chicken Liver Empath (Part III)

In my case, I think the fact that I didn’t love myself stemmed from not being around CERTAIN TYPES of soulmates.  I couldn’t see myself in everyone’s eyes, and that was okay; that was expected.  I searched for “something” in other people and got disappointed most every time.  I thought it was normal, that I was not normal because I expected so much.  I know how to love unconditionally, but all I got was conditional behavior, low vibrations, and I didn’t understand them – I didn’t understand why.  Others judged me in terms of the “normal” everyday person and that hurt me.  I knew I wasn’t normal in that sense.  They knew I wasn’t normal in any sense, still, they judged me like they would a normal person.  Sometimes the hurt came across as anger but it was genuine hurt.  My feelings were always getting hurt.

Yes, even though I felt as if it was my job to secretly take on other people’s emotions, to understand, forgive and all that jazz, the fact that other people had the nerve to judge me so harshly was borderline offensive.  I let all that stuff get to me in the past because I really didn’t know what was going on in my life.  I thought the problem was that I cared too deeply about other people.  I tried to shut it off but I couldn’t.  I cannot stop caring about people.  I didn’t know how to transmute the negative effectively.  I also had to learn to love myself unconditionally and nurture my feelings, especially in the instance of soulmates – the CERTAIN TYPES of soulmates I’d been looking for since I arrived here.