Your self-esteem is a very fragile thing –
Peering through a nightmare’s walls,
belief system drenched and swanned,
searching for a brand new identity…
Searching for an online shrine –
One dedicated to big words and stillness.
One dedicated to meditation,
over-the-top creations and a daydream.
Growing up, I felt as if God cursed me with super sensitivity. I saw no good in being able to feel others so intensely. I felt like an alien in an ugly human suit. I thought, so many humans had powerful looking suits, but mine had a thin chest on it. My heart was too big, bruised and had antennas sticking out of it. To me, it looked like raw chicken liver. I thought, it’s too painful to let so many people walk around in here, and so I came across to others as shy, nervous, anxious, depressed, standoffish, aloof, stuck up, and etcetera.
Obviously, as a kid, I had no idea was going on with me. I’d feel a certain way; could pick up energies from people and things. Sometimes their energy affected me as if it was my energy, sometimes I didn’t know what was what. Confusion caused me to cosign with low vibrational bandwagons. In some cases, I just couldn’t lower myself (at least not for long), other situations turned out horribly wrong and/or embarrassing. I felt guilty for trying to be more “human;” to have tougher skin. I didn’t understand why I did some things, couldn’t do others. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I knew deep down that low vibrations affected me emotionally and sometimes physically. Why? Sometimes I welcomed the energy, other times I was scared of people and things (this includes music, movies, reading and writing certain materials). There was pain in those things. They made me feel something odd (low) or familiar (High).
Many times, I’d choose to stay to myself, I didn’t understand it and I didn’t want to bring other people down to my depressing level. I used to cry for absolutely no reason at all. I was horribly depressed. For what? I didn’t know! All I knew was whatever pain I experienced was subtle and unbearable. I felt all kinds of negative emotions coming from all directions. I could also feel positivity. I could feel my mother’s prayers. I could feel my aunts, some other family members and Invisible People (/weird). It was like an Invisible Brotherhood or something (I guess those were my Spirit Friends). They prayed that I’d find the strength to school myself on the subject, pick myself up and live a normal life – the life I came here to live. I felt Unconditional Love, but my self-esteem had sunk so low, that I didn’t believe anyone could care for me in an unconditional fashion. I had forgotten what unconditional was – until my mom reminded me. When she died, I had to learn to love myself unconditionally. It was hard; took many years, especially with other people’s emotions getting in the way of mine, but now I feel that my self-esteem is up to where it should be. It is along the lines of where it SHOULD BE for starters, not where it OUGHT TO BE for abundance (if that makes sense).